Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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