Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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