You were right. It hurts to walk today.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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