its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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