Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
