Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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