She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
