He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
