Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
