you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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