I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
