dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
