i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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