I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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