Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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