sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
