Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
