i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize