Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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