I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
