Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Randomize
