remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
