Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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