I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
