we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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