It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize