Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
