My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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