i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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