I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize