i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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