im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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