there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
