Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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