I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
