long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
