I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize