I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
