Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
sarcasm needs its own font
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
