I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
