i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
