I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
