Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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