Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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