i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
im on a boat
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