fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
