Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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