it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
