bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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