I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
