True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
