Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The adults are the big ones right?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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