Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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