She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
