i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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