my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
