my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he thought i was a dude.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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