his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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